Welcome to the Christian Domestic Discipline Network- Loving Wife Spanking in a Christian Marriage.

Well that wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. When your brain spontaneously explodes into thousands of tiny pieces, gathering them up and putting them back together is work, work made harder still because you have no brain, just a lot of little brain pieces.

“How is it, John,  that your brain just up and exploded with no warning?”

I’m glad you asked.

Over the years I’ve developed a favorites list numbering almost two hundred Christian websites.  I find a website or a blogger that I like and that website/blogger leads to another. In time you have all these wonderful voices writing about Christ and the faith bookmarked so that you can return over and over again.

But every once in a while you stumble onto a website that is so totally bat crap crazy, so weird that before you have time to x-out your brain explodes. The closest I can describe the experience is sticking your finger in an electrical outlet, or for those of you who were products of the sixties, that moment when the LSD kicked in.

This time, it was the Christian Domestic Discipline Network- Loving Wife Spanking in a Christian Marriage.

As they explain it,  “A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is set up according to the guidelines set forth in the Holy Bible, meaning the husband has authority over his wife within the bounds of God's Word and enforces that authority, if need be, through discipline including but not limited to spanking. He uses his authority to keep peace and order in his home, protect his marriage, and help his wife mature in her Christian walk.”

They go on. “Christian Domestic Discipline is not BDSM. It is not a game. While we do not deny its sometimes erotic nature, it is ultimately not for erotic purposes. It is often much different than the domestic discipline you will find outside of the Christian faith. As in, “Yeah, we know it’s hot but that’s not the only reason we do it.”

Paddles, apparently bare ass wives bent over a chair ready for a whipping, and the Bible? So yes, of course my brain exploded.

  

SMITE.ORG Home Of The Jesus Police

After numerous run ins with the Jesus Police I decided to find out for myself just who these people are. I figured this would be some handy information to have, since they’re literally everywhere, and they are totally unpredictable.

Sure,  there are some things that you know will attract their baleful stares.  Being a Democrat, not believing Obama is a Muslim, thinking gay rights is a civil thing. Then there’s the earth is more than six thousand years old heresy, or believing that  the reason the word Jesus does not appear in our constitution was more than a mistake at the printers shop. These are things you know will get your sorry butt thrown in Jesus Jail.

It’s when they show up at Starbucks, bibles drawn and cocked, or they bristle at a picture of fried chicken, FRIED CHICKEN? Then you know you need more insight into what actually sets the propeller on their beanies spinning.

So I went to their website, SMITE.ORG and had a look around.

Turns out they are not all that organized, more like a group of balloons suddenly released into a stiff breeze. But they do share some common traits. First, you do not actually have to love scripture, you just have to be able to quote it. And with the internet, Bible Gateway.com, a laptop, and the ability to use a keyword search function, you don’t even have to possess a cohesive theology, much less actually know scripture.

Another subgroup of the Jesus Police is the “God told me” militia. These dudes are nuclear armed, because when they drop the “God told me” bomb you are toast. Who argues with God? Of course when you point out that claiming God as cosigner on your personal dogma isn’t “proof”, it’s a cheap debating trick it’s off to Jesus Jail you go.

At the top of the Jesus Police pyramid, much like the wise mystic holed up in a cave at the top of some mountain deep in the Himalayas is the “I studied it in the original Greek at seminary” clan. I think there’s around fifteen of them, because if there’s anything more useless than knowing ancient Greek in America today I can’t think of it right now. But still, they have the authority to lock you up in Jesus Jail so you have to be careful.

I know this from personal experience. I once told one that the bible I have is in English, and when you gave it to me you said it was inerrant, so take your “ What it really meant in the original Greek” and see if you can order a Big Mac. I like to have never made bail.

Lazy, Boring, Bland, and Dull. Part Two

To Recap….In an article by a Pastor Lillian Daniel in the Huffington Post, written a year and a half ago and recently expanded into a book, Daniel labeled those who have fled the church and begun calling themselves Spiritual but Not Religious (SBNR’s), lazy, boring, bland, and dull.

Of course, defining groups who do not believe as you do as lazy, boring, bland, and dull, is itself…..well…..lazy. Once I’ve done that I’ve relieved myself of the responsibility to listen with an open mind, to take seriously the complaints being lodged against my beliefs and rituals, and I’ve closed any opportunity that might exist to seek common ground, to persuade.

I’m not going to waste my time listening to a lazy neer-do-well, and if that man or woman I’ve just labeled as lazy happens to be a hard working single parent, or a victim of sex abuse by a pastor or priest, or simply someone appalled at the hypocrisy they too often see in the pulpit, I’ve just confirmed their already low opinion of religion with my self righteous condemnation. Might I have just  “shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces?” Mathew 23:13

When I see attitudes like those expressed by self-important religious elites like Pastor Daniel I wonder, “Have you ever sat down with one of those so called “Spiritual But Not Religious” people for a heart to heart talk about matters of faith? Have you ever sincerely asked them why they feel the way they feel about religion, not to start a debate, but just to listen to what they have to say?

I have, and the experience is extraordinary.

Turns out, many of them have a deep yearning for a close relationship with God, and an even deeper belief that God needs to be a central part of their life. And they’re not at all convinced they need to be in church to achieve that. Now the issue for a guy like me isn’t whether they’re right or wrong, but rather the incredible opportunity they represent for the Harvest. They, by a vast majority, have a high opinion of Jesus, they spend a lot of their time thinking about their relationship with God, and they love talking openly and acceptingly with others with similar goals. They’re perfect for us.

So why do we insult them? What deep flaw in our souls causes us to condemn them instead of engage with them? Mathew 23 might be a chapter many of our leaders need to read.

Lazy, Boring, Bland, and Dull.

So I’m at the gym, riding the stationary bike cause my knees are completely shot and it’s the only way I’m gonna get some cardio exercise, and this televangelist/ healer/almost certainly gonna rot in hell, dude is on the TV asking for donations to support his scam/ministry. The offer is amazing, send money and you will receive by return mail some sort of holy fluid (I’m guessing tap water) in a…..wait for it……re-purposed ketchup packet like you find at the convenience store when you’re buying a hot dog on the run.

Now I tell you this not just because it’s wrong on so many levels. I tell you this because yesterday I came across an article by a Pastor Lillian Daniel in the Huffington Post, written a year and a half ago and recently expanded into a book, in which she labeled those who have fled the church and begun calling themselves Spiritual but Not Religious (SBNR’s), lazy, boring, bland, and dull.

Apparently she’s had too much holy fluid.

The “Nones” are fleeing the church in record numbers, and while like some of those in the pews, there are probably a few boring, lazy folks in that bunch, what if a lot of them have seen the same religious scam artist I watched this morning? What if they or someone they know has been the victim of sex abuse by a pastor or priest? Or maybe they’re disgusted by the multi-million dollar palaces going up across the country cleverly disguised as sanctuaries while the communities they’re built in suffer from high unemployment and hunger?

If we can just label those fleeing the church as lazy neer-do-wells we never have to look in the mirror, never need to actually listen to the SBNR’s, or ask them why they are so disgusted with religious folks. More importantly, we can just go smugly along and never have to contemplate changing. Much like the cop at the crime scene we can just say “Move along folks, nothing to see here.”

Slipping The Leash

I feel a little like a hound that slipped it’s leash and I’m finding it hard to get back up on the porch. Having been raised in fairly fundamentalist churches, biblical inerrancy and all that, I find myself leaking out of that comfortable niche and wondering what’s happening in my walk with the Lord.

There are strains of public condemnation in today’s church that I find totally off putting, which is my code phrase  for “drives me bat crap crazy”.  How to put this…..Some parts of the bible make me cringe. Not many, at most a few hundred verses out of thirty thousand, but enough to make me , well, cringe.

And I find equally cringe worthy the way a lot of Christians use parts of the Bible. Parts of the Bible that by themselves don’t make me cringe. I no longer believe that the Bible was ever intended for use as a science text, in fact I get weirded out at the incredible contortions some go through to use the Bible to “scientifically” prove things that are just plain ignorant, like the age of the earth. Or how God chose to create stuff. Couldn’t an all powerful God create things any way He chose? Like by evolution? Can Christ worshipping gays really be an abomination? And don’t get me started on eminently learned scholars and theologians that can’t agree on the color of stop signs much less the meaning of scripture.

There was a time in my life that I used my credulous nature to separate myself from God. That didn’t work out too well. So about ten years ago I began doing something I should have done forty years ago, beginning my day with prayer and reading scripture, and curiously, that has been a huge part of my trip off the porch. But the fact that I’m off the porch doesn’t mean I’ve left the reservation. Today my questions don’t separate me from God, they’ve driven me to Jesus.