After numerous run ins with the Jesus Police I decided to find out for myself just who these people are. I figured this would be some handy information to have, since they’re literally everywhere, and they are totally unpredictable.
Sure, there are some things that you know will attract their baleful stares. Being a Democrat, not believing Obama is a Muslim, thinking gay rights is a civil thing. Then there’s the earth is more than six thousand years old heresy, or believing that the reason the word Jesus does not appear in our constitution was more than a mistake at the printers shop. These are things you know will get your sorry butt thrown in Jesus Jail.
It’s when they show up at Starbucks, bibles drawn and cocked, or they bristle at a picture of fried chicken, FRIED CHICKEN? Then you know you need more insight into what actually sets the propeller on their beanies spinning.
So I went to their website, SMITE.ORG and had a look around.
Turns out they are not all that organized, more like a group of balloons suddenly released into a stiff breeze. But they do share some common traits. First, you do not actually have to love scripture, you just have to be able to quote it. And with the internet, Bible Gateway.com, a laptop, and the ability to use a keyword search function, you don’t even have to possess a cohesive theology, much less actually know scripture.
Another subgroup of the Jesus Police is the “God told me” militia. These dudes are nuclear armed, because when they drop the “God told me” bomb you are toast. Who argues with God? Of course when you point out that claiming God as cosigner on your personal dogma isn’t “proof”, it’s a cheap debating trick it’s off to Jesus Jail you go.
At the top of the Jesus Police pyramid, much like the wise mystic holed up in a cave at the top of some mountain deep in the Himalayas is the “I studied it in the original Greek at seminary” clan. I think there’s around fifteen of them, because if there’s anything more useless than knowing ancient Greek in America today I can’t think of it right now. But still, they have the authority to lock you up in Jesus Jail so you have to be careful.
I know this from personal experience. I once told one that the bible I have is in English, and when you gave it to me you said it was inerrant, so take your “ What it really meant in the original Greek” and see if you can order a Big Mac. I like to have never made bail.