Thursday, August 30, 2012

Psssssst, Republicans. Listen Up.

Lately a bunch of you, Senator Lindsay Graham, Jeb Bush, Condoleeza Rice, and many others have called for a change in tone on the part of the Republican Party in order to attract more women, young people, and minorities. In fact a lot of you seem to feel that the survival of the GOP hangs in the balance.

Well I got news for you, it's not your tone, it's your policies.

You might want to read your just recently adopted platform. You see it's OK when you adopt a statement of principle along with a call to action. That's your right. But when the very constituencies you're trying to attract are appalled at your belief system there's not a lot you can do. Either change your policies or accept growing irrelevance.

Get back to me on that soon.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Announcing the 2016 Presidential Candidate Boot Camp-Just $19.95

I'm excited to announce a new training camp for those who would be president in 2016, because it's simply too late for the bozo's running now. For just $19.95, payable in three easy installments of $26.95, you'll learn the essentials of running for president. Why so cheap, you ask? Well, it turns out that running for president is no longer the exclusive preserve of those who are actually qualified to be president. No, anyone with a haircut and a tenuous grip on reality can run today and expect to claim number one in the polls, if only for a few minutes.
Got pesky little problems with serial infidelity? No problem, as long as you cheated on your wife with a member of the same species we can help. Are you asking for the vote of millions of people who will puke their guts out if they find out your position on issues they hold dear? No problem, our "Flip-Flopping for Votes" training module will bail you out.
And be sure to check out our "Monetizing Your Candidacy" workshop. Any candidate worth his salt can parlay a failed run for president into a commentators job on cable TV and a book deal simply by following our patented action plan, consisting of a can of hairspray, dentures, and a total disregard for common decency.
If you have no shame this training course is guaranteed to provide for a life of luxury and ease. Enroll soon, there are limited seats available.