Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Jesus Police

Getting run out of the faith or consigned to hell by fellow believers because you don’t buy their particular world view is not for sissies. Apparently you can be hell bound for being a Democrat, wondering why gay kids shouldn’t be exposed to the foundational  American values of the Boy Scouts, or drinking coffee at Starbucks.

After numerous run ins with the Jesus Police I decided to find out for myself just who these people are. I figured this would be some handy information to have, since they’re literally everywhere, and they are totally unpredictable.

Sure,  there are some things that you know will attract their baleful stares.  Being a Democrat, not believing Obama is a Muslim, thinking gay rights is a civil thing. Then there’s the earth is more than six thousand years old heresy, or believing there are good reasons why the word Jesus does not appear in our constitution. You’re not reading the KJV or you’re disagreeing with Paul. These are things you know will get your sorry butt thrown in Jesus Jail.

It’s when they show up at Starbucks, bibles drawn and cocked, or they bristle at a picture of fried chicken, (FRIED CHICKEN?) that you know you need more insight into what actually sets the propeller on their beanies spinning.

So I went to their website, SMITE.ORG and had a look around.

Turns out they are not all that organized, more like a group of balloons suddenly released into a stiff breeze. But they do share some common traits. First, you do not actually have to love scripture to belong to the Jesus police, you just have to be able to quote it. And with the internet, Bible, a laptop, and the ability to use a keyword search function, you don’t even have to possess a cohesive theology.

At the top of the Jesus Police pyramid, much like the wise mystic holed up in a cave at the top of some mountain deep in the Himalayas is the “I studied it in the original Greek at seminary” clan. I think there’s around fifteen of them, because if there’s anything more useless than knowing ancient Greek in America today I can’t think of it right now. But still, they have the authority to lock you up in Jesus Jail so you have to be careful.

I know this from personal experience. I once told one that the bible I have is in English, and when you gave it to me you said it was inerrant, so take your “ What it really meant in the original Greek” and see if you can order a Big Mac. I like to have never made bail.

Another arm of the Jesus Police is the “God told me” militia. These dudes are nuclear armed, because when they drop the “God told me” bomb, you are toast. Who argues with God? Of course when you point out that claiming God as cosigner on your personal dogma is a cheap debating trick not proof, it’s off to Jesus Jail you go.

Then there’s the “you are sowing disunity in the church” crowd, disunity meaning “Does not agree with me.” When you ask them if the church they’re referring to is the one with 30,000 denominations, each shouting apostate at the others, out come the bible cuffs.

There’s a few things you need to know about the Jesus Police, first, they have the sense of humor of an ashtray. Nothing in their world is funny, which is understandable given that so many people in their world are abominations. What’s to laugh about? One plus is that they have a terrible time sneaking up on you, watch for the most depressed looking guy in the crowd. Chances are he belongs to the Jesus police.

Next, quoting non KJVscripture is not a defense in Jesus court. In fact it can get you additional charges. Back in 2009 a church in North Carolina actually burned non-KJV bibles. Now there’s some irony for you. A church burning bibles.

 To sum up, the Jesus police are born to annoy, an iconic branch of the faith without which it would be just a bit more dificult to feel superior.